For Patricia Highsmith & Raymond Queneau
I just got out of the hospital. June, 2023. Somehow I intentionally threw out my last journal accidentally, which will only make sense if you are a bipolar person like me or have another chronic psychotic disorder like schizophrenia. I just spent three hours looking at photographs of cherry blossoms ('sakura') in Japan.
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Transect the binary apparatus. I am going to write a book about universal chaos and the transystemiticity of existing on-the-ground administrative realities. Everybody I talk to is either lying to protect themselves or lying for purposes of expedience, and they do this all day long, even in their love lives and their professional ones. They don't have much to talk about so they do indeed generally just Netflix and chill. I came from a generation of idiotic, selfish children. My God! What are the subsequent ones going to look like?!
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It's almost November. My eyes are as blind as sad rhythms. I can't function and any stranger can see it and it's embarrassing. It is like I was laid down and laid away. I tell myself that I once had a chance but that only makes me mad at myself and I guess at God. God is a real lavish prick who blinds you by throwing stardust in your eyes. Did I have a chance? I could not possibly've had. Joy is just the neurochemical reward of a lowborn, slithering sort of species.
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What did Ralph Waldo Emerson think he was talking about with this transparent eyeball business? It sounds more like some kind of H.P. Lovecraft trip. Mar-mar-mar-mar-mar-marmalade! Not everybody needs to be fucking everybody in the ass all the time, you know.
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The Old World is still here and it is still crumbling.
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February, 2024. I can tell important stuff is going on everywhere and that I'll be the last to know. Extrasensory perception is the Earl Grey tea of psychosis. I am going to write a book about God split into three parts, but not the customary three: omniscience, creation, oversight. My personal Freudian primal scene involved a hotel room and a cathode ray tube. Got home late tonight but felt scattered so I plopped down and watched Dillinger is Dead (1969), an absolutely perfect film.
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I Heart Cinnamon Hearts. My mother asked me if I could possibly sink any lower. "This," I said, stomping one foot, "is rock-hard surface." How do we actively think future intelligence systems? Aldous Huxley never came anywhere near adequately accounting for chaos. People don't want to take a hit and thereby ensure they take the hit. I called my mother a simpleton.
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The body will crouch, lean, and pivot to the left (often) in order to conceal something or protect itself. A personal deficit is cosmic accounting. On the implicate side of things virtuality is crunching the numbers at speeds beyond consideration of speed. I remember once when I was little I stole a porno mag and hid it in my dresser. I don't do rote operations or basically follow orders at all.
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Sometimes I think you can tell the quality of a man by how patient and tolerant he is with his children. To process this is a process, miss. Frivolous. Chelsea is running out of what little hope remained after the Pilsners and mob scene. If you had to guess, how many medications do you think I've been prescribed since 2009? I want to share my work and my life. We'll see. Chelsea will go quick into full-on interpretive delirium. We're all just playing Pattern Recognition for Dummies. And you can tell Mark Zuckerberg that I didn't break his rinky-dink website.
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Thinking about carnivorous plants. I once called somebody 'scrumptious' and immediately felt frightfully perverse. Today I gave a homeless man a carrot. I called Chelsea and said I was sorry if I fucked her situation up. The burlap sack is what the cat shat back. Le chat dans le sac.
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If the people who are after you seem uncertain, do not hesitate to own them. I wonder if Sun Tzu ever advised something like this. The wisdom would probably have to be even older, if you stop and think about it. I mean, really. Human culture and bacterial cultures are fundamentally the same thing. Heart is a Ticker, Brain is a Circuitmobile. I got no pressing business to attend to and I like it that way. People will never get as uncomfortable as they need to be in order to start helping to change the world. The intelligence community runs on extortion. I want a pickled egg out of the strange blue comb jar. I will very slowly attempt to very slowly attempt. The tricks Christ pulled with resurrection, including his own, were cheap and putrid tricks. Even Donald Trump could stage a bullshit resurrection. I remember being little and how much I loved playing "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC on my little guitar. Embouchure. EmbroSure. Now with real embryos. I'll be oh so much more quirky once we land in Albuquerque.
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I did not interact with a single person. Wisest thing I never did.
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Daialogics over Dialectics. I think I found a cryptogram or maybe I'm getting sicker again. Einstein's big problem was simply that he wanted a unified field theory. I am going through a protracted constipation nightmare. Why can't we just get together and overhaul this whole motherfucker? I think folks are petrified in poor habit more than anything. They raised my Seroquel dose.
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Don't all speak up at once.
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Holy Mother, the sunset is unreal. I am wondering how much overlap there is between 'topoanalysis' and 'calculus.' Captain Sloppy holding strong! Did I get any on my face?! Vincent van Gogh cut off part of an ear because he was an alcoholic and an artist and a sadist. The Brussels Griffon has Geman as well as Belgian roots. Cops sure can suck. Hospitals are crumbling into their foundations. Une petite hachette pour la croissance et la développement. When I'm alone I can do my Bill Cosby impersonation. William Wordsworth's worthless turd births. Very often I don't know if I want to talk or not. Call me gun-shy. That ol' hippie with the walker next door who is always so kind and endearing is it turns out also a virulent and raving racist. It took me aback. At least the woman from last night knew her St. Augustine. It's frightening out here amongst the bodysnatchers. Pass the wiseacre a stone and let it gum up his phone. Cry me a fucking river, Big Red.
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The old racist hippie is feeding peas and mango to the birds. He says they'll eat anything that goes slower then ten kilometers per hour. Is humanity actually worth significant restorative efforts? I am not hurt by how stupid people are because it's merely a direct result of how stupid they always were. I don't want to go on being a regrettable thing that happened to people indefinitely. The fact that everybody everywhere seems to be behaving like the German middle classes in the 1930s is serious cause for concern. I got drunk on Cutty Sark and did not hear back from Rosalind. However, Ilana did call and was also drunk, even though she tried to say she wasn't, so we hooked up and both have new sober dates.
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You can't please everybody, but you may well be astounded to discover all the varied kinds of ways you've displeased them. It can almost be an adrenaline high. Today somebody called me Girl Interrupted as a slur. There remains a future for certain, but it remains unclear as to whether or not I'm going to really benefit from that. I'm afraid that sex has to be done with people whose presence you can stomach. I'm going to put on Claire Denis' Faulkner-homage Les salauds and smoke a ganger.
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I drew with black marker the Pillars of Hercules on the cleavage of a Mediterranean woman in a black brassiere and cherry-red lipstick. No bye, no aloha. THIS IS THE WRATH OF GOD SPEAKING. I'M GOING TO COME DOWN AND TEAR THE APPLE CORES OUT OF YOUR THROATS, BOYS.
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Meshes of Go. The Go board. Wei-chi, Baduk. I have paisley premonitions. False modesty will get you laypersons nowhere with me. What is left in my chintzy plastic cup? Nothing but the howling reverberant laughter of that despicable fiend Maximilien Robespierre. Why am I the only pro around here who still pisses their pants? It's not easy being green. Life will deal a dirty dog dirty. Michelle, ma belle, I loathe you. Baby, stay still, and let me brand this Turkish Crescent on your face. Onanism is a serviceable solution (tee hee). No hablo ingles compañera. Eat pussy for Palestine or whatever. Nobody will address me straight and that is because I instil fear. I need a viewing space not subject to light pollution. I've been studying the flux of geese. Existential therapy for teenage lycanthropes, just like the Cramps promised, and frankly the chosen ultra-powerful weaklings, the fuzzy and fanged cohort, are forever the only thing to grock of any note on the intracosmic CCTV. I AM HOT FOR TEACHER. My website has beaucoup cookies. Paradise is a lean cat. Eric Dolphy was the leanest of the lean cats and he cut it too close to the grain. We are not all human. Some of us are moonmen from 1950s television. Beginnings and endings are very important for movies. I guess I got shittered in the Hot Tub Time Machine or something. Me and the baddy I pulled just by being smart. Ontogeny and Phylogeny. Me, pagan?
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Went and saw Kinds of Kindness at a nearby shopping mall. I did not like the film, though specialized sensors throughout my body did respond intensely to Margaret Qualley, who I've nicknamed Abigail Rottentail because she holds no permanent shape and in this movie has many hairstyles. What is the lesson this movie is trying to convey respective of destiny, pattern, and repetition? The director Yorgos Lanthimos definitely doesn't know. He must have been constantly hounding the script supervisor: where are we?! what is happening?! You know what? Solitude is the ultimate expression of fanatical neediness and I do sure as the tides fanatically need my solitude. High school was a disaster, remember? A sordid popularity contest overseen by stupid and cruel adults. The hollow platitudes of the multitudes. The elephant in the room is that it's not clear there's anything you can really actually do to help the person who is suffering. It's the evening of July 23, 2024. As far as concerns Rosalind? I'm liable to imagine I would do only slightly better given a second chance.
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