The Author Poses in Front of His Small Garden
Because still in 2026 it is not anything like commonplace knowledge to anybody other than the long-suffering or the recovering-in-practice alcoholic and/or addict, I thought I would take a moment before casually deplatforming myself for a spell so that I might delve deeper into personal inventory and spend less time worried about making some kind of small ongoing public splash, to fill you in on what I believe to be far and away the two most important lines in the colloquially-designated Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (the cover of which has always just said Alcoholics Anonymous). While in a very real way the concept of anonymity was of foremost importance to Bill Wilson, Dr. Bob, and early adopters of the program, I don’t at all myself believe anonymity to have the same cultural value or cachet it had in the 1930s here where we find ourselves now in the world of TikTok and Twitter. (That being said, it remains good form for the recovering alcoholic to abstain from telling others, especially normies, who they have seen in attendance at this or that meeting.) The key principle to my mind is the whole one day at a time precept, which is something most people who have a cursory knowledge of twelve-step recovery will be in some sense aware of but may not have seen explicated in the flawless language of the Big Book (page 85): “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” Suffice it then to say that it’s not a matter of there being no future to worry about and every sequential day another frivolous day at the beach. The alcoholic is physically, emotionally, and spiritually sick and had better do their damndest to work on that third piece with at least as much vigilance and they do the first two. A spiritually sick person will go all wrong and the spiritually sick alcoholic/addict will pick up the drug of choice or the next best destructive thing. A simple and useful way to describe spirituality is as cosmic and worldly connectedness, but there isn’t any prosaic language that can lay it out for the neophyte in a manner that won’t sound fuzzy and incorporeal. The individual person must feel their way into and through spiritual awareness like somebody trying not to bump into anything in pitch dark. Alas, possible nightmares await all who kid themselves…and we all kid ourselves betimes. Addiction can be horrifying even with many years clean and/or sober and life going along famously when we capture a sharp, devastating flicker of awareness of how close we might in fact be to going too far off course…perhaps irretrievably so. The second most important line in the Big Book (page 43) is the most terrifying fact I know about alcoholism and the most terrifying fact of any kind that I have had validated by personal experience: “The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defence against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defence. His defence must come from a Higher Power.” Wait a second, does this mean that the alcoholic and/or addict can relapse as though directed by a domineering inner daemon or malevolent supernatural force? Yes, that is what it means and that is exactly what it feels like. The alcoholic a couple years sober may find themself walking to the liquor store and asking “what the fuck is happening?” as they march forward like infantry, all but unstoppable. In actual fact, it happens all the time. That is why the recovering alcoholic and/or addict must do daily personal inventory, clean their side of the street (wherever possible), and work on their relationship with the bigger picture. Recovery is there to forestall future horrors more than it is there for any other practicable reason. Philip Seymour Hoffman, for example, with his twenty-plus years sober in the program, knew that perfectly, and yet he’s dead. It’s usually trial by fire. When you get sober your old friends vacate the premises almost totally. A certain person in a certain position won’t have too much trouble conceding: well, I guess it’s just me and God now. I’ve been working at recovery since 2009 and I still only have a slipshod notion of how to go about it (and all of two months clean and sober as of yesterday). At the very least, I can say I take recovery extremely seriously and insist it defines me more than gender, ethnicity, or nationality. Obviously I’m not trying to win any popularity contests. The other day as I left my house in the midst of brutal dental pain and a searing existential crisis, I closed my door and prepared to lock it; for a moment I was dumbstruck with fear that I might buy liquor while I was out. Looking down I saw my old recovery key chain, of which I almost never take conscious notice these days, procured in 2013 on Vancouver Island. A pair of shoes on the front and an inscription on the back: “STAY IN YOUR SHOES.” Instantly I knew that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I was getting loaded that night. That’s not a Higher Power. No. That’s evidence of a Higher Power. In that moment it was more than enough.
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